In 2012, I chose a word that encapsulated what I wanted to focus on in 2013. That word was patience, and while I won’t say I mastered the crap out of it, I will say I got a full year’s worth of practice.

I used to think patience was synonymous with waiting. As in, as long as you’re waiting, you’re being patient. Because you’re waiting instead of vague-blogging or passive-aggressively tweeting or stat-checking or internet-stalking or following-up every three days.

And, by the way, none of those things are wise things to do. But also, waiting? Not necessarily being patient. 

Toward the middle of the year, I realized waiting, patient or not, wasn’t helping all that much. Even though I had worked on and submitted new projects (which of course meant more waiting), I developed this hyper-critical view of my work. How good could it be, after all, if the agent/editor who requested it couldn’t even be bothered to respond?

There were plenty of days when I wondered why I even bothered writing. No one else gave a shit. Why should I?

2013 left me feeling like I got wasted at a frat party, passed around like a bong, and left to sleep it off on a park bench somewhere. And all I can think of to do is rest my head on a toilet and sob, wondering what did I do? why won’t he call?

That’s an unhealthy way of thinking of it, but it’s the truth.

So the last two months of the year, I slowed down while I tried to figure out what to do. And that’s why the blog is down. And why crickets are chirping on twitter. And why I no longer check my email. 

I am so sick of not being good enough. And I refuse to go through another year hating myself because of it. 

Which brings me to the word for 2014: Margin.

Margin. Noun. The space between being OK and being Not OK.

I went too far into Not OK last year, and not just with writing. I overspent. Overate. Ovescheduled. Overslept. Overwhined. Overwaited.

I let other people cause me to feel about myself what no one should feel about anyone, ever. I got too involved in fixing other people’s problems. I allowed my priorities to be skewed into something that made me neither happy nor productive. And I took far too much shit off far too many people.

If 2013 was the year of patiently waiting for nothing to happen, then I’m hoping 2014 will be the year of mutual respect, of no meaning no, of less being more, and of losing the losers, ditching the drama, and finding some motherfucking peace in this joint.