The other day, Liz Poole IM’d me and was like, “OH MY GOD ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?”
And I was like, “YES. YES I AM.”
Because Internet, I am still not sleeping. As in, at all. As in, the shadows are moving. As in, this would be kind of cool if it were in a movie and not in the real world. As in, hold me, Internet. Hold me.
I’ve mentioned before that I have three or four really good hours in which I’m all GO GO GO! like the zhu zhu motorized hamster Marilyn bought for the cats Christmas of 2009. That’s more or less still accurate, only instead of GO GO GO! it’s CRY CRY CRY! Because apparently the feeling like shit is the new black. Who knew?
I say these things not so people will feel bad or to induce pity, but because these days, mind-altering drugs are passed out like freaking antibiotics. Can’t sleep? Try this pill. That pill makes you crazy? Try this one. And there’s a lot they don’t tell you about these pills. Crazy things. Frightening things. Things that would make you reconsider whether or not you just needed to work out more before bedtime or maybe lay off the caffeine. Because hey, what would be the fun in that?
I remember being sixteen years old and going to my doctor and telling him I didn’t like to take Paxil because it made my face twitch and my mouth taste funny. And my doctor was like, “You’re just saying that for attention.”
And then it came out that Paxil had been known to cause convulsions in women during the first six months of use.
Because Paxil sucks, yo.
Anyway, so the no sleeping thing. It got so bad that last week I went to do a sleep study, and the doctor there was all, “So here is a list of medications. Check off the ones you’ve tried. If you tried a medication that was over the counter, or an herbal remedy, or something not listed here, you can use the slots at the bottom to fill in your answer.”
And I was like, “Wait, I’m going to need another notebook, Mr. Doctor Sir, because that is how many medications I have been on.”
And then he gave me a horse tranquilizer and I slept for eighteen hours.
Which is good except for the part where I haven’t slept but hardly at all since.
And this not sleeping thing? It totally sucks. I think it sucks worse than any other kind of being sick.
Because at least when I’m out with the flu or strep throat, there’s this assurance that either I’ll get better or die from it.
But with insomnia? Fat chance. Even when I do manage to get some sleep, I always wake up anxious. Because what if that was a fluke? What if I never ever get to sleep ever again?
What if I go back to the sleep doctor and he’s like, “I can’t give you any more horse pills, ma’am. Because I think you’re only here for attention.”
It affects every aspect of your life, too. Like how my house looks like a bomb’s been dropped on it, because with the not sleeping and all, I can’t be bothered to feed myself, let alone sweep a floor.
But the worst part of it is that when I’m sleep-deprived, my defenses go to shit and I start telling myself things. Things I should never, ever be telling myself. It’s like living with a bully in my head. Or worse, my mother.
Which is why it’s such a good thing that America’s Next Top Model is back with new episodes, even if they have kind of sucked for the past five years. Because now, whenever that bad part of my mind is getting the better of me, I can rest easy knowing that at least I didn’t just eat my weight in haggis.
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